Impossibly unfairly gorgeous Angelina had her twins - a boy and a girl, Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline, proving once and for all that she is incapable of having a boy who DOESN’T have an “X” in his first name somewhere.
Brad was there and everyone is well, blah blah blah.
You guys - Brad Pitt just bought this table and someone convinced him he needed to pay $293,000 for it. Which is insane given that it looks like someone sawed off half of it and this is all that remains.
But you know what? Word on the street is that the bidding for photos of the twins which will soon emerge from Angelina Jolie’s uterine area is up to TWENTY TWO MILLION DOLLARS, all of which will go to charity. So you can hardly blame him for wanting to buy half a table.
This is Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s new house. It comes with its own forest, lake, vineyard, and MOAT. Which is something I find sorely lacking in the homes of all of my friends. Oh sure - I get the occasional lake and forest, but no one I know has a moat. I kind of feel like I would be more fulfilled in life overall if I had routine access to a moat.
In addition to those outdoor amenities, the home also boasts 35 bedrooms, which will be handy as Angelina continues to spill children out of her uterine area by the dozen.
Anyway - i suppose congratulations are in order for the best looking couple on the planet. So now they’re gorgeous, charitable, obscenely wealthy, AND they have a moat. I would hate on them, but on top of all that, they seem genuinely nice too. Jerks.
Various reports indicate that Angelina is supposed to give birth to twins in AUGUST. Which means that she still has 3 months of expansion ahead of her. Which I don’t see as even being possible without the babies just exploding out of her.
This is Brad Pitt’s new tattoo.
WTF?
Reports are surfacing this evening that Brad and Angelina got married today. Which is pretty irrelevant considering they have like 27 kids together.
This will probably turn out to not be true anyway. But at least you won’t get to say I don’t keep you informed.
According to this, Jennifer Aniston is going to write a book revealing all sorts of juicy-ness about her marriage to Brad and their subsequent break-up, and Brad’s subsequent transformation into Angelina Jolie’s boyfriend/spermbank.
This could be veeerrrrrry interesting. Even though it’s like the oldest news ever.
Being sickeningly gorgeous and gag-aliciously affectionate with one another are Angelina Jolie and man-mate Brad Pitt at the SAG awards. She’s wearing a tent, which you can’t really see in this photo because I chose to sicken you with their undying love for each other instead of showing you the dress, but let’s just say this - it did NOTHING to dispel the pregnant-with-twins rumor.
Dear Angelina: Remember back in the day when you carried Billy Bob Thornton’s blood in a vial around your neck? And when you would have sex with him in the limo on the way to award shows and brag to interviewers about it? And when you made out with your brother wearing a ridiculous goth outfit that made you look like Elvira? And then remember how you got all hideously thin?
Where has that Angelina gone? You used to give us a reason to mock you. And now you’re all gorgeous and perfect and altruistic and motherly and charitable and you’re boinking a guy most women think is hotter than the sun. And you have a nice rack. Real ones even.
To this I say: Enough already. Can’t you get caught picking your nose on camera or something? Or say something outrageous or go back to cutting yourself or SOMETHING? Please, Ange. For me. For the MockDock. It’d mean a lot.
Warmest Regards,
Mockarena
Either Brad Pitt used to be gay, or he just got finished auditioning for Wham! when this photo was taken.
Oh wait. That would still make him gay.
I have no further explanation for this hair.
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