The Mock Dock

I’m finding the latest celebrity gossip to be so tiresome lately.  But I know you guys like it, so I’m going to try and summon up some energy to talk about some of it.  Here goes.

1.  Jessica Simpson was apparently dropped from her country record label.  Because, you know, she sucks and stuff.

2.  Lindsay Lohan and that scowly girlfriend of hers broke up, and Lindsay has blabbed the entire story to US Magazine.  Because, you know, she hates publicity and she’s super classy.

3.  Billy Bob Thornton was a complete ass in a recent interview, and subsequently people have been booing at him at his shows.  Because, you know, he’s a musician now.  Actually, the interview is pretty entertaining.  He compares himself to Tom Petty, which is kind of hilarious.

4. Sarah Michelle Gellar is pregnant.

5. Farrah Fawcett has been released from the hospital after internal bleeding related to her anal cancer got under control. The bad news is that apparently the cancer has spread to her liver. This totally bums me out, because she was a Charlie’s Angel, for crying out loud. And you know how much I loved them.

Anyway, that should catch you up.

You guys – you know what I just realized?  I’m a GROWN-UP.  And you know how I know this?  Because I was anxiously awaiting the Vice Presidential debate to begin, and I am watching it. 

I remember being a kid at holidays, and sitting with the grown-ups, and having absolutely no idea how they could spend so many hours talking about world news and politics and the economy, when there were far more pressing issues to discuss – like recent happenings at the Charlie’s Angels Deluxe Hideout, and who was hotter – Shaun Cassidy or Parker Stevenson, and how lame the prizes in Cracker Jacks boxes were getting.

But now I’m ONE OF THEM.  I care about things like STOCK OPTIONS and LIFE INSURANCE for god’s sake.  When did this happen?  I feel like it was just yesterday that the most important matters of any given day had to do with how high my bangs should be and whether or not I had enough Aquanet to support the chosen height.

Getting older SUCKS.

So I was talking to Bunny today about some of our earliest childhood memories.  And it got me to reminiscing about some of my defining moments from growing up.  Allow me to share, for example, the fact that one Christmas, I received the ultimate in little girl toys – The Charlie’s Angels Deluxe Hideout Set.  I don’t know if any of you all remember this mecca of a dollhouse, but It. Was. Awesome.

I already had all the Charlie’s Angels dolls – and mind you, this was the ORIGINAL CAST we’re talking about – not lame replacements like Cameron Diaz and Lucy Liu.  I had the Farrah Fawcett doll and the Jaclyn Smith doll and the doll of that other girl that no one ever wanted to pretend to be because she was “the ugly one”.  

PLUS, when I got the Charlie’s Angels Deluxe Hideout Set, I was already in possession of the 3-story barbie house – the one with the elevator.  And I know what you’re thinking – you’re thinking, “that bitch got BOTH?!?”  And yes – I did.  But if it makes you feel better, let me just tell you what happened to my Charlie’s Angels Deluxe Hideout Set (henceforth to be known as CADHS).  Because it’s not a pretty story.

After a few months, after the novelty had worn off and I began to play with other toys (namely – my new Donnie and Marie dolls), the CADHS started to get a little dusty.  I ignored this.  A few months later, after putting down my latest issue of Tiger Beat magazine and finishing up the latest Hardy Boys novel, I decided I was ready to play with CADHS again.  And so I blew the dust away, got my dolls out, and went to open one of the super secret compartments within the CADHS which contained several changes of clothes for said dolls.  And you know what I found?

Ants.  HUNDREDS OF ANTS.  Hundreds of creepy crawly disgusting nasty ants.

I don’t think I need to tell you that for a girly girl of grade school age, this was like the ultimate in terror.  I think the entire neighborhood heard my screams.  Ultimately, my dad came to the rescue to get rid of the ants, but there was no playing with CADHS ever again. I was scarred.

Ahhh  – memories.