The Mock Dock

I mean, OTHER than the total ridiculous perfection that IS Victoria Beckham?  I love that David, as hot as he is, is a total ACCESSORY for her in this photo.  I mean, he’s barely even noticeable.  And it’s not just because her dress is red.  It’s because it’s how she WEARS the red dress.  She’s all fabulous about it.  And you know her heels are at least 6 inches.

LOVE.

These are the shoes that Victoria Beckham took one of her boys for a stroll in.  And even with her ridiculous pixie haircut, I love this woman.  I love that her kid is in shorts and a santa hat.  And I love that her purse is bigger than she is.  And I love her shoes.

LOVE.

You guys saw her a couple years ago when she was on that Coming To America show, right?  If you didn’t, watch just the first bit of this, when she’s doing the photo shoot with the 3rd hottest man on the planet.  Look how cute they are together.  LOVE LOVE LOVE.

I seriously could not love them any more.  You know what reports are saying they do to keep their skin looking awesome?  They use BIRD POO on it.

It seems that they’ve been buying super expensive (of course!) Geisha Facials – which incorporate a paste made from nightingale poop.  New York salons are just starting to offer this unique service, and Victoria is ALL ABOUT IT.

You know what’s fabulous about this?  People will copy this. They will copy it, because these are the Beckhams, and they are awesome.

David and Victoria Beckham are two of the most ridiculous people on the planet, but I LOVE them so much.  Look at his stupid suit, and LOOK AT HER SHOES.  She has to be on her tippiest tippiest toes to even be standing upright in those.  And I can’t really tell if those are actually boots that go hip-high, or if they’re shoes that are only ankle-high and then she’s got some sort of leather legging going on, but regardless, they are ABSURD.  I hope there’s video uncovered which shows her walking in those.

I mean, seriously.  Look at the position her feet are being forced to be in.  How long can she possibly pull that off without risking serious footular damage?

I love them.  LOVE.

So this is what Christie Brinkley’s husband used to look like back in the day.  Let’s just say that David Beckham could certainly teach him a thing or two about how to fill out some speedos.  Anyway, you’re not going to believe this, since Peter Cook is a cheating pervert, but he found himself a new girlfriend.

Suzanne Shaw, pictured below, KNOWS all the creepy stuff he did, and is his girlfriend anyway.  Sometimes I’m just amazed at how stupid women can be.  How can she not know that the exact same thing is going to happen to her?  HOW?

David Beckham is full on grabbing himself, and the entire spectating audience appears to be concerned with basically everything else in the universe EXCEPT David Beckham and anything remotely related to soccer.

In fact, blond girl with the full beer is simulating shooting herself in the mouth.  She is THAT bored.

If you are ADDING ON to one of many palacial mansions that you own because you need a separate room specifically for swordfighting, you are stupid-rich.

Crazy Tom Cruise reportedly has built such a room and gets together with his buddies Will Smith and David Beckham for fancy fencing parties.   

I am not making this up.

You know, I would be happy to have new countertops in my kitchen. That’s all I ask.  Meanwhile, Crazy Tom Cruise is building rooms in which he can pretend to be Zorro.

Life is so not fair.

LOOK at how ferociously mean Victoria Beckham looks in this photo.  I mean, normally, she just looks kinda pissed off in photos, but not viciously hatefully mean.  She looks like someone just asked her to eat a piece of cake.

 Because they have come out with the Beckham Easter Egg Collection.  And yes, they are actually edible.

I would totally snark on this more if it wasn’t for charity, but it turns out it IS for charity, and for kids no less.  And even though I know I’m already going to hell, I would at least like a good seat down there.  So sorry – no snarking on the Beckham Eggs.  Or Beggs, as I affectionately like to refer to them.

As if he wasn’t already practically perfect, David Beckham took time out of his busy schedule to visit some cancer-stricken kids in a chinese hospital the other day. 

The reason he’s only practically perfect and not TOTALLY perfect is because he sounds like a pre-pubescent boy when he talks.   Seriously – you look at his chiseled jawline and his athletic body and his really masculine looking face, and you think, “Wow – he really is pretty much perfect” and then he starts talking and all of a sudden you’re thinking, “Wait.  How did Elmo from Sesame Street inhabit David Beckham’s body??”

It’s really distracting.