I have a very very sad story to tell you.
Linda Hogan, ex-wife of Hulk Hogan, mother of a reckless and practically homicidal driver as well as of a total skank whorebag, and girlfriend of a 19 year old surfer dude, is going broke.
“Oh, that’s terrible,” I’m sure you’re thinking. “How on earth is that poor woman expected to survive with what must be a paltry sum of money she’s getting from her ex-husband?”
Yeah.
You know how much she gets? FORTY THOUSAND DOLLARS A MONTH. But apparently, she has gone back to court to ask for more, on account of her basically being thrust into poverty and all. That measly 40k monthly doesn’t BEGIN to cover her plastic surgery bill, or the wax for her boyfriend’s surfboard.
Ungrateful beyotch.
HATE.
So Madonna and Guy Ritchie are divorcing. FOR REAL. It’s not even just a rumor anymore, because her representative has confirmed it. I don’t know about you all, but I’m surprised. And by surprised I mean can you even believe that they lasted for over SEVEN YEARS?! That’s like a golden anniversary in Hollywood.
You know what I bet was the final straw? The fact that she wore gunshoes the other night.
Phil Collins, who recently split from his third wife, has to pay her FORTY SIX MILLION dollars as stated by their divorce settlement. This is after paying his second wife THIRTY TWO million in that divorce. I’m not an expert on family law or anything, but seriously - how dumb is Phil Collins? How do you not get an air-tight pre-nup after shelling out 32 million dollars to wife number two? Just how much money does Phil Collins HAVE anyway? Holy crap.
You guys, total confession time. I was like, fanatically in love with Phil Collins when I was in junior high. I mean, FANATICAL. I even saved up my allowance to buy a Phil Collins CONCERT JACKET - a concert my parents didn’t even allow me to GO TO, mind you, because it was in Chicago and because they were highly overprotective. This jacket was like $80, so it took me MONTHS to save for it. I also had posters of Phil all over my room. While other girls were hanging up posters of attractive men who were on the covers of all the magazines, I was all googly eyed over Phil. And not because I thought he was hot - but because he was so adorably normal looking. I loved him SO MUCH. Whenever my parents were mad at me, I would imagine that Phil Collins was my dad, and that instead of making me go to school, he would just take me on the road with him and I would sing back-up.
Happily, I grew out of my Phil-Phase well before high school started, and impossible as it may be to believe, I was actually quite popular in high school. I know - totally amazing. I do still count “In The Air Tonight” as one of my all-time favorite songs, even though doing so automatically makes me a huge dork.
I feel closer to all of you for having shared that.
Oooo - this is getting GOOD. The AP is giving us all the goods on the court scene between Christie Brinkley and that creepy ex-husband of hers, Peter Cook.
And I told you about some of this already, but what I didn’t know before is that Peter was spending THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS A MONTH on web porn, in addition to having an affair with an 18 year old and then paying her off (300k) not to talk about it.
Now, I’m not a web porn expert, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest that perhaps Peter Cook was being TOTALLY RIPPED OFF. I mean, who pays for web porn when you can pretty much just do a google image search and have all sorts of nakedness and explicitness magically appear before you? At least, this is what I’ve heard. I don’t know what actual pornographic websites charge these days, but I am just having a really hard time trying to figure out how in the world you could spend that sort of money - even if you TRIED to - on web porn. Do you think that means he’s into some really really weird stuff that is SO weird that you can only access it by spending thousands of dollars? Like - maybe it’s donkey porn or pyro-porn or toejam porn or something.
Since Holmes is out today working on his calf muscles, I will step in to write a letter to Hulk Hogan.
Let me tell you this brother, when I was young, you told me to eat my vitamins, say my prayers, and believe in myself.
I have since dropped you as a role model.
If I had not taken this action, I would be taking steroids, cheating on my wife, and wearing a fanny pack. Brother.
Sincerely,
Gabone
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