There is no other explanation for this outfit. I don’t see how she could have put this on, looked in the mirror and thought, “Yes. This looks good on me.” So clearly, she is going blind.
If Gwyneth said to her stylist, “Hey - if you could go ahead and find me a white dress that makes my chestular area look as bizarrely shaped as possible, and then find me a black permanent marker to paint my roots with, and then find me a pair of shoes which in no way goes with anything I have on EXCEPT my black permanently-marked on roots, that’d be great,” then I have to hand it to Gywneth’s stylist. She executed that request PERFECTLY.
Jamie Pressley, seen here with her now ex-fiance and also father to her kid, is seriously one of the snakiest women on the planet, isn’t she? I know I said that Gwyneth Paltrow was looking lizard-y, but Jamie Pressley is Queen Of The Reptiles, for sure.
Anyway, she and her fiance broke up. I haven’t been able to find any definitive reports on WHY, but I’m guessing it has something to do with his ears.
There is a LOT of bad stuff going on with this outfit. Let’s go top to bottom, shall we?
1. I don’t know if it’s the hair or the make-up or a combination of the two, but she looks reptilian. Like, if all of a sudden a hugely long skinny tongue came snaking out of her mouth, I’d be all, “Yeah. Well, that makes sense.”
2. There is something really wrong with the whole chestular/clavicle-ular area. It’s like her sternum decided to expand for no reason, and it caused spillage around her armpits. I’ve never seen anything like this.
3. Are you supposed to be able to see her underwear through this dress? Because that’s just dumb. I’m pretty sure this was meant to be worn underwearless.
4. Is she wearing ankle socks? Are those what I referred to in junior high as “footies?” Or are they part of the actual shoes? Either way - HORRID.
You know who could wear this entire outfit and look totally ferocious in it? Victoria Beckham. She could wear this outfit and then put on a pink feather boa and a banana clip and she would be FIERCE.
I’m pretty sure I cut this dress out of construction paper in 2nd grade during the snowflake making assignment.
I happen to be a fan of Gwyneth’s shorter hairstyle, and she clearly has awesome legs, but come on. What is this dress? There is flesh peeking out from the bottom of it, for crying out loud. I’m not exactly sure from whence the flesh comes, but it’s unquestionably there.
What sort of marketing genius are you if you can charge $3600 for a pair of shoes that look like these, and actually get celebrities like Gwyneth Paltrow and Uma Thurman and even my beloved-but-let’s-face-it-ridiculous Victoria Beckham to buy them?
A spokesperson for Antonio Berardi, the “designer” who created these monstrosities, said the following:
“When walking, you have to put your toe rather than your heel down first and you cannot wear them for very long. They are not dangerous because you would have to lean quite far back before you fell over.”
This is what he said about a PAIR OF SHOES. And people are still buying them.
I have decided that I would like to create a new backwards bra. One whose cups end up sitting on your shoulder blades, and then the hook closure is in the front, with just the flimsy straps covering your nipular area. And then I would like Antonio Berardi to do the marketing for this. Because clearly the dude knows how to make money selling completely impractical, uncomfortable, horrific looking products for women.
If anyone had doubts about whether or not celebrities are idiots, look no further than the jokers who bought these stupid shoes.
Recent Comments