Tag Archive for ‘Heather Mills’ at The Mock Dock

Tag Archive for 'Heather Mills'

Heather Mills, Version 2.0

Published

on November 22, 2008

. 7 Comments

I have a very very sad story to tell you.

Linda Hogan, ex-wife of Hulk Hogan, mother of a reckless and practically homicidal driver as well as of a total skank whorebag, and girlfriend of a 19 year old surfer dude, is going broke.

“Oh, that’s terrible,” I’m sure you’re thinking. “How on earth is that poor woman expected to survive with what must be a paltry sum of money she’s getting from her ex-husband?”

Yeah.

You know how much she gets? FORTY THOUSAND DOLLARS A MONTH. But apparently, she has gone back to court to ask for more, on account of her basically being thrust into poverty and all. That measly 40k monthly doesn’t BEGIN to cover her plastic surgery bill, or the wax for her boyfriend’s surfboard.

Ungrateful beyotch.

HATE.

Earrings, Cheepin’ Smack, and Being New

Published

Mockarena

on July 25, 2008

in Celebrity and Mockery

. 5 Comments

First things first. Today, I forgot to wear earrings. I could NOT STOP touching my earlobes all day - they felt so naked. I hate that.

So, a couple days ago, Dame, Holmes and I were at lunch, like we almost always are, and the topic of Holmes’ horrid beast of an ex-wife came up. And he was telling a story about her most recent beastiness, as I sat there, incredulous. I believe I said something to the effect of “Why would she do that?” to which Dame replied, equally incredulous, “Are you new?” And the way she said it was so positively hilarious and right on, because everything that the ex-beast does is horrible, and so it IS silly for me to be consistently incredulous about her. It’s just a given that ex-beast will never do anything that ISN’T horrible.

At this very same luncheon, at which we ate our meal outside, we watched a bunch of loud obnoxious birds fighting with each other, cheepin’ smack. But that’s a story for another day.

You’re probably wondering what this all has to do with Heather Mills.

Well, today, Heather Mills’ publicist of 4 years, quit. And do you know why? Because Heather Mills is, according to said publicist, “an impossible person.” And when I read that, I immediately thought, “Hey publicist person. Are you new?” How oblivious of a person do you have to be to JUST NOW BE FIGURING OUT that Heather Mills is impossible?

Anyway, my point is that some things are just really obvious, and that you shouldn’t forget to wear earrings.

I Don’t Know What To Make Of This

Published

Mockarena

on June 22, 2008

in Celebrity and Mockery

. 1 Comment

Heather Mills, that beyotch who stole half of sweet, precious Paul McCartney’s money, is dating someone. And I can’t decide if I think that the hotel worker dude she’s picked up is either the most clever man ever for hooking up with a gazillionairess, hopefully to later steal back all of that money and give her a taste of her own medicine, or if he’s the dumbest man ever to NOT know what a beyotch Heather Mills is.

Either way, I hope he ends up screwing her. And not in the good way.

Everyone Hates Heather Mills

Published

Dame Aufschneider

on April 15, 2008

in Celebrity and phooooooooooooot

. 0 Comments

Apparently Heather Mills was a judge at the Miss USA Pagent this weekend, and when she was introduced, the crowd booed. PageSix.com is reporting that audience members loudly booed and hissed when Mills was introduced as a judge for the show at the Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino in Vegas. But the real problem came behind the scenes, where, for three weeks prior, Mills refused to sign a contract stating the show could be rebroadcast.

Basically she wanted money if the show ever reaired because she believed that she was a ratings magnet. Yeahhh…I know, I strongly dislike her too. As if that didn’t show off her inner-ugliness…”Mills even hunted down pageant owner Donald Trump at a dinner at Koi right before the show, hoping to “butter him up” and get his approval to be on air even if she didn’t sign the contract. “Heather was flirting with him, and she was really working it,” said our source. “She was unprofessional, but he said, ‘Let her [go] on anyway.’ ”

Heather apparently is moving here to the US becuase “In England, people don’t like me,” she said. “But I’m going to move to America, Los Angeles, hopefully . . . I’ll be better off in the States.” A few weeks back, Mills was spotted looking at a condo building going up on Jackson Square in Greenwich Village.

Ugh. I’m sure she is going to realize pretty soon that we get English news over here. That’s how the Internet works. We know what a jerk you are. You should just hobble your one leg into a cave. Ohhhhhhh snap!

Heather Mills is a Master of Disguise.

Published

Dame Aufschneider

on April 4, 2008

in Celebrity and phooooooooooooot

. 0 Comments

Heather Mills is such an idiot. Does she really think that we can’t tell this is her? Is she trying to STUMP us? haha…get it? Do you? Do you get it?

First clue that it’s her: an average woman does not three assistants standing around. Also, the one leg thing is a really giveaway.

I heard today that Yoko Ono is sending her regards to Heather. She says she knows how hard it is to be a woman associated with the Beatles. I’m sure those millions of dollars they both have from the Fab Four is the cross they must bear. Give me a freaking break.

There are no words…

Published

Mockarena

on March 26, 2008

in Celebrity and Mockery

. 2 Comments

…to adequately capture my hatred for this useless, pathetic cow. So remember how she just got $50 million from Paul McCartney? Well, she’s not satisfied with that paltry amount. Now she’s decided to hire a team of forensic accountants to study Paul’s assets to make sure that he’s not worth more than he stated in court.

WTF?!?

Here’s hoping that Paul uses some of his remaining cash to hire someone to beat the crap out of this beyotch with her own stupid fake leg.

HATE

I Hate This Beyotch

Published

Mockarena

on March 18, 2008

in Celebrity and Mockery

. 0 Comments

Heather Mills won fifty million dollars in the divorce with Paul McCartney, plus another 200k in yearly child support, and she still has the nerve to complain. She claims that she donates like 90% of all her money to charity, but that the 200k allowance for her daughter won’t be enough to have her fly first class anymore. Is she freaking kidding? Is it not possible for her to use a little of the FIFTY MILLION dollars she got for herself in order to upgrade her kid’s flight?

I would really love to kick her ass using her own fake leg. HATE.

You Know Who I Hate?

Published

Mockarena

on February 5, 2008

in Celebrity and Mockery

. 0 Comments

Heather Mills is one of the biggest beyotches to ever walk the earth. Not content to try to rob Paul McCartney blind, she is now SUING HER LAWYERS for not giving her good advice. But really it’s because she owes them a bunch of money that she hasn’t paid them and is thinking that this might be her way out. You might wonder, How might someone sue their lawyer without getting another lawyer to represent them? Well, in this case, Heather is representing herself. Which is like, completely hilarious if you think about it. She’s going to hop on over to the courthouse, and she’ll be all, “Hey judge - my ex-lawyers sucked because they were only going to get me eighty skillion jillion dollars from Paul instead of the eighty skillion jillion bazillion dollars which I clearly deserve.” And her ex-lawyers will say, “Judge - this is Paul McCartney we’re talking about. Sweet, sentimental, and beloved Paul McCartney.” And the judge will be like, “Heather - you are a skanky beyotch who deserves, on a good day, approximately sixty-two cents from the divorce settlement.”

I hope this all plays out on CourtTV.

The Mock Dock