You guys, Spencer Pratt, the douchiest douche of all douches, is contemplating posing for Playgirl. In Touch Magazine says that Spencer would insist on a $1 million dollar payout <puke>. When asked by reporters about the Playgirl deal, Spencer simply said, “As usual, Heidi and I are entertaining a lot of offers.” You know he said that with that dopey, douchetacular, crap-eating face, too. HATE.
The only offer that should be given to Spencer Pratt is the kind where someone pays him a crapload of money to go away forever. I think that’d be money well spent.
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are going to visit Iraq. To perform for the troops. Which clearly must mean that they are in bed with our worst enemies, because there is no way that the troops would see this as anything other than a blatant attack. We can only hope that they are free to fire at will as soon as those two clowns are in sight.
And guess what else! They are coming out with a video game. Spencer said, “It’s top secret. Get ready. All your wildest dreams are going to be in it.”
I don’t see how they can possibly be creating a video which contains me winning a $50 million dollar powerball AND punching both of them in the face, but I guess we’ll see.
I know. Like you, I’ve been virtually unable to contain my excitement about this great moment in music history. Take a listen to the song that will no doubt be a LIFE CHANGING EXPERIENCE for you.
KIDDING. It sucks. Every bit as much as you might imagine, only more so.
You guys - Ali compares herself to Rihanna, which is hilarious. And by “hilarious” I of course mean “highly offensive to Rihanna.”
I think if Ali Lohan and Heidi Montag were to sing a duet, the earth might actually cease to rotate on its axis. It would be SO BAD that time would be forced to stand still. Time would be all, “Wait. What? I can’t possibly be expected to go on after hearing that” and everything would just stop.
I was struggling between showing you this recent picture of Colin Farrell looking eerily like Sanjaya Malakar’s less healthy twin, or bringing you the audio of Heidi Montag’s new single, and I decided this was more humane.
BEHOLD: David Letterman exposing Spencer Pratt for being the total douchebag that he is. And behold Heidi Montag using that horrific valleygirl voice for which she is so universally hated.
p.s. I love David Letterman, but I would have been happy to see him be even meaner to Spencer. In fact, I would have been happiest to see him kick Spencer’s ass. In fact, I would have paid actual dollars to watch such an event.
Look at these two. How much do they need to be punched in the face?
So now, in addition to some fool paying Spencer to write his own advice column, and in addition to allowing these two jokers to receive a salary for being on national TV on a regular basis, and in addition to paying them for various appearances, now Heidi and Spencer have a website that they call “Speidiweb” where they blog and list appearances and post various TOTALLY CANDID AND NOT AT ALL POSED PHOTOS, much like the one above, of themselves. For which they are probably paid.
Forget war. Forget global warming. Forget poverty and disease. Our next president has a bigger issue at hand - and it’s figuring out a way to eliminate these two from the collective consciousness of the entire nation. I know I’m partially contributing to their publicity by even writing about them, but you see, this is my anger management outlet, so I feel as though I have a bit of an excuse. Plus, you’ll notice I WILL NOT link to their site, nor will I even go to it to check it out. I refuse, and you should too. (Unless of course you want to check it out, report back in our comments section how lame it is, and then I can live vicariously through you).
Has Amy Winehouse ever given anyone any reason to think that, if offered a helpless infant to hold, she wouldn’t just simultaneously want to down a shot?
Where is the Mother-Of-The-Year who allowed this photo to even be taken? This kid would be safer in the jaws of a lion than he is in the arms of Amy Winehouse.
Totally Unrelated P.S. - I just want you all to know that I am fully aware that Heidi Montag has come out with a new fashion line and that she also tried to rap on TRL, but I REFUSE to talk about either of those things. Except to say that I hate her at a molecular level.
I really really hate Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag so much that I can actually feel my blood pressure rise whenever I see one of these obnoxious fake-happy photos of them.
And guess what? They are getting rich off of the country’s collective hatred for them. Most recently, Spencer was given his own advice column in Radar magazine - and it’s called ”YO Spencer”. I am not making this up. And here is one of his Q&A’s:
YO SPENCER! I’ve met my girlfriend’s mother once and she really didn’t like me. We’re going to spend the weekend with her whole family and I need to win her over. What can I do to charm her?
The mother–daughter relationship is the tightest bond in history. You got beef with the mom, you got beef with the daughter. I would definitely say that when I first met Heidi’s mother, she wasn’t sure of me. I wasn’t on my game plan. If I could’ve done it over, I would’ve bought her mom chocolate and flowers. You need to be on your best game in terms of manners, language. Bring the saint inside of you out. Treat her daughter like a princess—it’s only for a weekend.’
So basically he is admitting in a public forum that he only treats Heidi well on weekends and in front of her mom. Nice.
I’ve been trying to avoid referring to Perez Hilton for the past few months, because he gets 2 million visits per month and is a zillionaire, and we mockdockers get like 42 visits per month and are broke, and I’m insanely jealous of him because of his success, but there was NO WAY I COULD RESIST telling you that he is reporting that Spencer Pratt, douchebag to end all douchebags, may be WRITING AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY.
What could someone as retarded as Spencer Pratt have to write a book about - let alone an autobiographical one? First of all, he’s like, what - 25? So we’re talking about maybe 20 pages of material based on his tenure on the earth alone.
Secondly, this is SPENCER PRATT we’re talking about. He has about as much substantive material to write about as my two year old, and probably less.
I find this whole idea so hilarious, that I will have to have a copy of this book, so that I can post excerpts of it and we can all mock it together. Keep your fingers crossed that this will really happen, mockdockers!
Word on the street is that superchode Spencer from The Hills has caught the plastic surgery bug from his skankalicious girlfriend Heidi, and he wants to get CALF IMPLANTS. Can you imagine how jealous he’d be if he saw Holmes’ awesomely developed calf muscles?
Any guy who does this is officially a total douche.
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