People magazine is reporting that the endlessly distinguished and classy Danny Bonaduce has finalized his divorce and he will be required to pay 6,000 in support monthly for his 13-year-old daughter and 7-year-old son and $10,000 a month in support to Gretchen, his ex-wife.
Do you guys realize what this means!?!?
Danny Bonaduce is PAID MONEY by someone. Someone out there EMPLOYS Danny Bonaduce, enough so that he can afford sixteen thousand dollars a month in alimony/child support.
You know what? I think I’m going to write a letter to Obama to see if there is anything he can do about Danny Bonaduce making this kind of money, AND to see if he can issue some kind of executive order that would prevent Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt from living in the US. Foreign policy and the economy can wait. These are the issues of our time. And if he can do something about this, I will totally take back everything negative I ever said about him.
Well, maybe it’s not the creepiest. I mean, Heidi Montag went as a slutty cop, and I will probably have nightmares about that for a week. But this get-up on Heidi Klum is a straight up freak-fest.
Taco Bell obviously really turns Heidi Montag on. And Wolfman Spencer is going after her the way that he’s most familiar with, except he’s on the giving end for a change.
I think I have officially added Joel McHale to my island list. And it’s not that he’s particularly attractive – it’s that he mocks. Provided that we were stranded on an island which got regular deliveries of US Weekly, I think we would have the best fun ever!
BEHOLD: Mocking the supremely mockable Spencer Pratt. You might have to turn the sound down though…because it’s Heidi’s song. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Heidi Montag has another new song, which can only mean that 1) someone is STILL ALLOWING HER TO SING and 2) God is not nearly as merciful as we thought.
I’m only attaching it as evidence – I certainly don’t encourage you to actually listen to it.
You guys, Spencer Pratt, the douchiest douche of all douches, is contemplating posing for Playgirl. In Touch Magazine says that Spencer would insist on a $1 million dollar payout <puke>. When asked by reporters about the Playgirl deal, Spencer simply said, “As usual, Heidi and I are entertaining a lot of offers.” You know he said that with that dopey, douchetacular, crap-eating face, too. HATE.
The only offer that should be given to Spencer Pratt is the kind where someone pays him a crapload of money to go away forever. I think that’d be money well spent.
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are going to visit Iraq. To perform for the troops. Which clearly must mean that they are in bed with our worst enemies, because there is no way that the troops would see this as anything other than a blatant attack. We can only hope that they are free to fire at will as soon as those two clowns are in sight.
And guess what else! They are coming out with a video game. Spencer said, “It’s top secret. Get ready. All your wildest dreams are going to be in it.”
I don’t see how they can possibly be creating a video which contains me winning a $50 million dollar powerball AND punching both of them in the face, but I guess we’ll see.
I know. Like you, I’ve been virtually unable to contain my excitement about this great moment in music history. Take a listen to the song that will no doubt be a LIFE CHANGING EXPERIENCE for you.
KIDDING. It sucks. Every bit as much as you might imagine, only more so.
You guys – Ali compares herself to Rihanna, which is hilarious. And by “hilarious” I of course mean “highly offensive to Rihanna.”
I think if Ali Lohan and Heidi Montag were to sing a duet, the earth might actually cease to rotate on its axis. It would be SO BAD that time would be forced to stand still. Time would be all, “Wait. What? I can’t possibly be expected to go on after hearing that” and everything would just stop.
I was struggling between showing you this recent picture of Colin Farrell looking eerily like Sanjaya Malakar’s less healthy twin, or bringing you the audio of Heidi Montag’s new single, and I decided this was more humane.
BEHOLD: David Letterman exposing Spencer Pratt for being the total douchebag that he is. And behold Heidi Montag using that horrific valleygirl voice for which she is so universally hated.
p.s. I love David Letterman, but I would have been happy to see him be even meaner to Spencer. In fact, I would have been happiest to see him kick Spencer’s ass. In fact, I would have paid actual dollars to watch such an event.
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