The Mock Dock

You guys, according to this, my beloved Victoria has bunions.

I’ll wait a moment while you reassess your entire life.

So, an alert and astute mockdocker linked me to the article, which highlights some of Vicky B’s best shoes, and also shows a picture of her bunions. What are we, as a society, supposed to DO with ourselves if Victoria Beckham has to take a break from high heels? How are we to go on?

I decided to do a youtube search on Victoria Beckham shoes, and I don’t know why I’m surprised at ALL by this, but there are a crapload of videos featuring her feet. Above is just ONE.

If you could go ahead and just add her bunioned feet to your prayer list tonight, that’d be great. Meantime, let’s just all try to move on with our lives as best we can.

(sniff)

Remember a couple weeks ago when I bought a fabulous pair of high heels?  And I was all stressed about how in the world I was going to walk in them but they were so fabulous I bought them anyway because I was with Daisy and she basically said if I didn’t buy them I would be disappointing Victoria Beckham?  And remember how I finally wore them and I DID manage to walk in them all day without breaking my ankular or footular area?

Well, I don’t know if I ever mentioned it afterwards, but those suckers HURT.  I mean, they LOOK fabulous – no question.  But walking in them does not make me happy.  If I could just be in them, standing still or sitting, looking at them in a mirror all day – then they would be awesome.  But walking in them is seriously like the least fun ever.  So I’ve been thinking over the last couple of weeks that I just need to come to grips with the fact that I’m destined to stay in 3 to 3.5 inch heels, period.

Until yesterday.  Yesterday, I was shopping at Kohl’s, and I was browsing the shoe section as usual, in the Candies aisle, and I came across another fabulous pair of heels.  They were totally unlike anything I have already, and they just screamed “VICTORIA BECKHAM WOULD WEAR THESE” all over them. 

But they were 4 inch heels.  Again.  So even though I decided I had to try them on, I knew going in that they’d be all ouchariffic. I knew I’d hobble around, wincing with pain.  But I’m a woman, and these are shoes, so pretty much rational and practical reasoning goes out the window in these situations.

I slipped them on, and started walking around.  And you guys, it was a BREEZE.  They were totally easy to walk in, and I would even go so far as to say “comfortable.”  I took a picture of them, sent it to Daisy and then called her to discuss.  Upon seeing the photo, she agreed that they were fabulous and that I had to have them, and then she proceeded to tell me all of the different outfit combinations I could wear with them, so I would feel justified in spending the $32 on them.

And I said to her, “You know what? The ball-of-the-foot part of these heels is all raised – so that even though the heels are high, the ball-of-the-foot part is kinda higher too, so I don’t FEEL as though I’m walking in 4 inch heels.”  And she said, “Yes, grasshopper.  Platform heels are the best, because your feet don’t get all contorted.”  I don’t know if you knew this, but Daisy is very very wise about shoes.

So, now armed with the secret to wearing high heels,  I bought them.  I have no idea what Mr. Mock will think of them, because they’re kinda flashy as far as shoes go.  But so fabulous.

UPDATED:  To correct typo at Zachary’s suggestion.  (Zach – are you related to Hatchetwoman?) 

Yeah.  Check these out.  I don’t know whether to be awestruck by her ability to not just crumple into a heap on the floor as soon as these are on, or to be awestruck by her stupidity in choosing such completely dumb shoes in the first place.

Ok granted – I think she’s at a photo shoot or something, but STILL.  I’d like to believe that this IS actually what she wears to the park, when she’s planning on frolicking around, swinging on swings and sliding down slides and climbing on monkey bars.  Because you know what?  She could do all of those things in those heels, completely effortlessly.

I survived in my heels (probably a good 2 inches lower than the ones Vic is wearing above) without breaking anything.  But did I walk in to Mini-Mock’s pre-school after work barefoot because I could no longer feel my Achilles tendons?  Yes.  Yes, I did.  And his teachers totally commiserated.  They were like, “Ooo – high heels?”  And I said, “YES. OMG. I couldn’t wait to get them off.” And they were all, “Yeah – beauty is pain, Mock.  Beauty is pain.”

Ka-Duh and I decided today that Victoria Beckham probably has either Achilles Tendon implants of some sort or she’s had botox injections into them so that she can no longer feel them.  That is the only explanation.

Look at Victoria’s biceps, you guys.  And look at her complete lack of stomach.  And look at the fabulously fierce expression on her face.

LOVE.

Here’s a helpful hint if you’re trying to save money, or even if you’re simply trying to avoid spending money.

Never ever ever ever ever shop with Daisy.

Daisy is like the worst possible person to take shopping with you if you are trying to avoid buying something.  Let me tell you about our lunch hour.

We went to Marshall’s, because she wanted to find a couple of tops.  I wanted to look for a pair of simple tan flats that would replace the ones I’ve worn for the past 4 years and which are currently being held together (barely) with just a few remaining threads of leather.  And while she looked for tops, I scoured the shoe aisles, with absolutely no luck finding a good replacement pair.  And then it happened.

I heard the voices of angels, and a light shone onto the most perfect shoes I have ever seen.  In the clearance aisle, no less.

But here’s the thing.  These shoes were not replacement shoes.  These shoes were shoes that were absolutely unnecessary.  They were gorgeous, dark brown, 4 inch closed-heeled sandals which I couldn’t have needed any less.  I mean, I HAVE dark brown leather sandals already.  And they’re sandals I can actually walk in.  The shoes in Marshall’s were higher than anything else I’ve worn ever.  But they were SPEAKING TO ME.  Along with a chorus of angels.  Conducted by Robbie Williams.  Naked.  (KIDDING – just want to make sure Mr. Mock is reading this and not skimming).

So I put them on, and hobbled my way over to where Daisy was, and I said, “LOOK at these shoes.”  And she gasped and said, “OMG – they’re fabulous.  And they’re TAHARI.”  This meant nothing to me since I’m painfully ignorant about shoe brands unless they’re Merrells or Christian Louboutins, and I only know of Louboutins because of Daisy’s tutelage.  So I said, “Is that good?” and Daisy said, “YES.  Taharis are fabulous.  You have to get them.” 

So this is when my conscience kicked into high gear.  My conscience said, “Mock.  Seriously.  You don’t need these shoes.  You can’t even WALK in these shoes.  It doesn’t matter that they were originally $100 and now they’re only $49.99.  That’s still a preposterous amount of money to spend on shoes that you don’t need and can’t walk in.”  So I repeated what my conscience said to Daisy.  And you know what she said?

She said, “Mock.  What would Victoria Beckham do?”

Now I ask you.  How was I supposed to argue with that? 

And further, she said, “I read once that Victoria Beckham said she herself had to practice in order to learn how to walk in high heels.”

“Victoria Beckham had to learn to walk in heels?”  I thought.  Well, if SHE had to practice, then certainly I could practice and learn to walk in them too.  And maybe, just maybe, I could attain just a tiny fraction of her fabulousness.

So I said, “You are the worst person to talk someone out of buying something they don’t need EVER.”  And Daisy said, “Yes.  Yes I am.  I will never ever ever tell you to NOT buy something.  Especially if it’s a pair of Tahari shoes.  Just look at the BOX they come in, for God’s sake.  I am going to LICK it.”

And she’s right. Even the BOX is fabulous.  And the soles of the shoes are gold with the word “Tahari” embossed into them.  So I think you know how this turns out.  I’m now the owner of an absolutely delicious pair of Tahari sandals.  I told Mr. Mock this story when he got home, and then I tried them on and showed them to him.  He said, “They are pretty cute.  But you’re going to break your ankles.”  Such is his confidence in my ability to channel Victoria.

Anyway, I’ve been practicing since I got home, and I think I’m getting better.  It’s hard work being fabulous, you guys.  But I’m determined. 

And you know what? You may not like them, and that’s ok.  We’re not going to have the same taste in everything.  See here, for example.  But I am so totally in love with these shoes I can barely contain myself.  I may sleep with them tonight.  So even if they result in two busted ankles, I’m going to be thanking Daisy for getting me one step closer to Victoria’s fabulosity.  BEHOLD:

LOVE.