So yeah. You’ve probably heard by now that all the “Girls Next Door” are breaking up with Hugh Hefner - the most recent being the “main” girlfriend Holly, who split because Hugh’s sperm is EXHAUSTED and in no shape to impregnate her.
But Hugh is a badass, you see, so he simply picked up a couple of new 19 year old twins with really orange skin. About them he said, “They very much want to be girlfriends and now under the present circumstance, they probably will become my girlfriends.”
I love how he’s just like, Yeah - I guess they’ll do, since I have a couple of vacant girlfriend positions and all. Seriously - how cool is Hugh Hefner? I know it’s anti-feminist to like him but I can’t help it. The man wears a robe 24/7. You can’t deny the awesomeness of that.
So the National Enquirer is reporting that in the new Hugh Hefner biography that’s coming out, it is disclosed that Hugh almost died three decades ago during a sexual interlude with his first wife, Sondra Theodore.
But you know HOW he almost died? From almost choking to death on a sex toy.
Ok. I have so many questions. Not the least of which is - what sort of sex toy might generally find its way into the throat of a heterosexual male during sexual activity? I’m being serious. I really want to understand this.
Thankfully, his wife had the sense to pound on Hugh’s chest until said sex toy became dislodged. But close call there, everyone. Close call.
There are reports all across the web world that Pam Anderson surprised Hugh Hefner on his 82nd birthday by appearing naked in front of him.
I fail to see how this is news. First of all, when is there a day in the life of Hugh Hefner where there AREN’T naked women appearing in front of him? Secondly, since when does Pam Anderson wear clothing?
According to this article, Hugh Hefner says that he intends to keep on having sex till he’s 100 (he’s currently 81). But even better than that, is the part where he says he’s EVENTUALLY going to have a monogamous relationship with one of his three live-in girlfriends (Holly, not the one with the horse laugh). Eventually, he says. Like he has all the time in the world.
I could sit here and get all Ashley Judd and say Hugh is the king of the exploitation of women, etc. blah etc. blah etc….but I can’t help but like him. The guy LIVES in his pajamas. To me, that is the ultimate definition of success.
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