The big heavy bang one. This is HIDEOUS. You know who else has these bangs? The “wingwoman” from The Pickup Artist. And it looks just as hideous on her. She and Jessica Alba are obviously attractive women, but they end up looking like sheepdogs with these bangs.
HATE.
I mean, otherwise, I might upset Jessica Alba. Look at her. She’s clearly very upset about the possibility of me silencing myself. And the LAST THING I want to do is upset Jessica Alba.
Seriously. Does this really inspire anyone who wasn’t planning on voting to think, “Wow. Look at Jessica Alba crying and Hannibal Lecterified. This must be more serious than I thought. I better get out to register!”? Does it???
I don’t know what it is, but I am not a Jessica Alba fan. I do not appreciate her smirkiness.
BUT, her baby is gorgeous. I love it when babies have all kinds of hair. Apparently, I myself did not have any hair whatsoever until I was like 2. I am embarrassed just thinking about it. It’s a good thing kids under two haven’t typically figured out how to be emotionally cruel to peers yet, otherwise I might be seriously damaged.
Totally off topic, but childhood humiliation got me thinking about one of the most pitiful things I did as a gradeschooler to get a boy’s attention. My last name when I was a kid started with the letter B, and every recess we were lined up alphabetically. In second grade, I was always behind this kid named Shaen Allen. This is a VIVID memory, and I vividly recall thinking the name “Shaen” was like the coolest most awesome name ever. Shaen was the most popular boy in the class, and because I had glasses when I was NINE, I was painfully unpopular and virtually invisible to Shaen.
So one day, determined to get him to notice me, I decided I was going to attempt to have a conversation with him. This literally took every ounce of courage I could muster, and lots of rehearsing of what I was going to say the night before and all morning long. I tapped him on the shoulder, and this is how the conversation went:
Shaen: (turning around and looking annoyed) What?
Me: Um……..hi……um I was wondering um…what is your favorite color? (Yes. This question took me HOURS TO CRAFT.)
Shaen: (annoyed) I don’t know. I guess I like red, white and blue best.
Me: (thinking that not only is he gorgeous and perfect but also irresistibly patriotic) Wow! That is so weird! Those are MY favorite colors too!!!
Shaen: (scowls at me and turns back around)
So, all along, I had a plan to find out his favorite color and then I was going to WEAR THAT COLOR to school the next day, CERTAIN that he would see me in his favorite color and be unable to resist me. This is how my mind operated in the 2nd grade. Only here was the problem. I did not own a shirt that had red, white and blue in it. So I went home that day, and INSISTED to my mother that I had to have a red, white and blue shirt for school the next day because of some school event which involved patriotism, and even though it was a huge inconvenience, she ran out to the store and came back with a red, white and blue t-shirt. I was OVERJOYED.
The next day, I absolutely FLAUNTED my new shirt. I felt invincible. I could not sit still in anticipation of recess. I just KNEW Shaen would notice me and immediately want to be my boyfriend. There was just no other option.
This is what happened in the recess line.
Me: (tapping Shaen on the shoulder) Hi! So, do you like my shirt?
Shaen: (annoyed) What?
Me: My shirt. It’s got your favorite colors in it!
Shaen (laughing, pointing at me, and yelling to all of the other cool boys he was friends with and essentially everyone else in line): YOU GUYS! Mockarena got this shirt just because I told her those were my favorite colors!!
Everyone Else In Line: (pointing at me and laughing) HAhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahhah!!!
This was about when I burst into tears and ran. I’ve blocked out the rest of my entire second grade year after this point.
Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah. Jessica Alba’s kid. I’m glad she has hair.
And I’m not talking about the noun. Honor Marie Warren, a baby girl, emerged from Jessica Alba’s uterine area on June 7th.
Because no one in Hollywood has an ounce of originality anymore, there are reports that Jessica Alba is expecting twins. And so is Jennifer Lopez. And Angelina Jolie. There is NO WAY Scientology will allow Katie Holmes to NOT become pregnant with twins now.
Jessica Alba has just informed People Magazine that she is expecting a baby with her on again off again boyfriend, Cash Warren.
It’s always a great idea to get pregnant with someone that you’ve recently broken up with. It’s clear now why they’re back together. I give this relationship approximately 18 months.
Besides, his name is CASH. You can’t have a serious relationship with someone named Cash.
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