See that girl that Tom Cruise is having to essentially prop up as they exit a restaurant? That’s all that remains of the girl who used to be Katie Holmes. Look at how utterly helpless and just WRECKED she looks. And frankly, Tom looks as though he’s physically exhausted from having to control her mind all the time.
This is what happens when you become a Scientologist, kids. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Katie Holmes was just recently interviewed, and even though I should probably think it’s sweet and romantic that she’s completely head over heels in love with her husband and daughter, I do not. In fact, I think it’s creepy and I’m pretty much convincd that if you removed her face, there would be circuitry underneath developed by the overlords at Scientology headquarters which automatically spits out this sappy crap. Anyway, read this excerpt for yourself, and see if you don’t want to vomit.
WHAT’S YOUR IDEA OF HEAVEN?
Falling in love with Tom and our daughter. I’m such a lucky woman. Sometimes I feel like I’m dreaming.
WHAT WERE YOUR DREAMS AS A CHILD?
To marry Tom Cruise! (Laughs)
HOW DID YOU MEET TOM?
We just went on this great date together, and it’s been wonderful ever since. He’s the most amazing man in the world. I’m so happy. I love him. I feel like he’s made my life.
HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE HIM?
He’s just amazing. He’s kind, generous, smart, he’s Tom Cruise - he’s the most artistic man I’ve ever met. He makes me laugh like I’ve never laughed. He’s made me feel joy like I never have before. There are so many things. He’s the most wonderful human being I know.
WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR WITH?
Tom and Suri.
You know what, Katie? My husband is way better than your husband. So you can suck it.
There is something about Katie Holmes that reminds me of a cocker spaniel. The hair maybe? I’m not sure. In any case, isn’t it cute how in Scientology, you match your shoes and purse to your husband’s vest?
Because no one in Hollywood has an ounce of originality anymore, there are reports that Jessica Alba is expecting twins. And so is Jennifer Lopez. And Angelina Jolie. There is NO WAY Scientology will allow Katie Holmes to NOT become pregnant with twins now.
I’m almost 100% certain that Katie Holmes made this dress with the fabric from the backdrop behind her. This could be the most unflattering dress in the history of the world. And I officially hate her hair.
That is all.
Between the red cape Stepford wife, the Scientology freak, Muscle-arms, Unibrow, and Crazy Liberal Lesbian, we’ve got ourselves a circus here.
Holy mother of crap. Have you ever seen anyone more dead in the eyes than Katie Holmes? She has been totally programmed to say basically 5-6 different adjectives about herself and anything related to her and THAT IS IT. You could try and get through all 8 minutes of this, but you’ll be asleep about 30 seconds into it. She is that boring.
I know large handbags are all the rage right now, but…really? Does this function as some sort of Suri-carrying device as well as a handbag? She’s got a good grip on that handle, almost like the bag is as heavy as a toddler. Or perhaps her scientology coach is in there.
Developing…
Hey, remember when I originally speculated that Katie Holmes had a pigeon toe issue? Well, mockdockers, I bring you more evidence of same. As always, you can count on me to break these important stories.
Except that it wasn’t. It was the Critic’s Choice Awards. And she wore a sheet. A sparkly sheet, yes…but a sheet nonetheless. First leggings came back and now this. What’s next - stirrup pants?
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