The Mock Dock

So, remember how awesome my birthday was, and how Mr. Mock planned this fabulous trip for us? Well, that trip is in just a couple of weeks now, and so basically it is all I can think about. Which kinda sucks for you guys, really, because you know how I get when I’m excited for something.

Anyway, I had been planning taking Dan Brown’s latest book with me for beach reading, but have now decided I’m too impatient to wait that long to read it, and besides, it’s hardcover and way too fat for a carry-on. So here’s what I need help with. Can you guys recommend some good girly beach books to me? My requirements are pretty simple:

1. It has to be in paperback.
2. It has to be a total page-turner that holds my interest.
3. It has to be light reading. I don’t want to tackle War and Peace or anything like that on a beach vacation.
4. It can’t be anything by Laura Zigman or Jodi Picoult, because I have already read everything that those women have written.

So? Can you guys help a sister out?

Victoria descended upon Boston today for American Idol judging.  Look how completely awesome her SHOES are.   I mean, the dress is a given.  Flawless.  But WOW do I covet her shoes.

And I even love her whole headscarf thing too.  You know why?  Because it is on HER head.  LOVE.

Laura Zigman – if you see her, tell her I love her.  And for God’s sake don’t let Ashley get to her.

OMG you guys.  I just got a facebook message from alert and astute mockdocker Laura Zigman, who as you may recall is the famous author who wrote the book that the movie Someone Like You was based on, which starred our arch nemesis Ashley Judd, and you will NOT EVEN BELIEVE how much Ashley thinks of herself today.

If you’re a reader of my sister site, you know that Ashley Judd is now enrolled in a Master’s program at Harvard – where she’s going to study Public Adminstration, presumably to eventually run for office, at which point obviously the world will end.  I have no doubt about this.  Anyway, according to this,  she’s not comfortable simply enrolling in the program like a regular person, because she apparently believes she’ll be mobbed by throngs of unwashed masses.

The article, which is kind of fabulous in its totally eye-rolling tone, says that Ashley has asked university officials to “take additional measures to ensure her privacy while studying” at the school.  The program director sent out an email blast outlining the steps that have been/will be taken to make sure Ashley isn’t bothered by any commoners.  They have put a privacy block on her student file, they have arranged for security detail to be present during any class coffee breaks just in case anyone from the “public” should attempt to talk directly to her, and the student body has been instructed on how to respond to inquiries about Ashley: ‘‘Simply turn the line of questioning back on them by asking who they are and what the purpose is of their query and contact security immediately to have them escorted off the premises if they are here inappropriately,’’ the email said. 

Lastly, the program director explained that all media calls should be directed to Ashley’s publicist, who, according to the article author, isn’t answering any questions anyway.  

Now, let me ask you this:  If Ashley Judd was so hell-bent on having her privacy respected during her studies, why in the holy hell did she have her publicist ANNOUNCE TO THE ENTIRE WORLD last week that she was going to enter the Harvard program to begin with?

And if all of this weren’t bad enough, your co-mockdocker and famous author Laura Zigman now has to share her hometown with Ashley, and risk seeing her at Harvard Square.  

Condolences for Laura may be left in the comments.

Junior Mock had a very quiet night – lots of good, hard sleep.   And because he slept so soundly, the nurses never did make him sit up last night.  I’m sure that’s going to be happening today, because they’ve already said how important it is to help prevent pneumonia, which is a common complication with this type of surgery and with kids like Junior Mock who are already so compromised.

Did you guys see that Laura Zigman, famous author and creator of the nickname “Faux French Intellectual” has been sending her well-wishes?  I think I need to tell the doc and nursing staff about that.  I will say, “Um, yeah. I’m not sure if you’ve heard that famous author and important literary figure Laura Zigman has been sending prayers and well-wishes for Junior Mock” to which they will invariably reply, “OMG – we had no idea.  Let us provide you with a masseuse and personal chef at once.”  And I will say, “No – that won’t be necessary, but if you could go ahead and arrange for Robbie Williams to give us a private concert in Junior Mock’s room, well, that’d be great.”  And then they will hunt Robbie Williams down, from wherever it is he’s currently looking out for UFO’s and aliens, and he will hear of Junior Mock’s plight, and he will fly here at once and give us a private concert.  And then Victoria Beckham will visit and bring me some new shoes and let me try on her 8 billion carat engagement ring, and then she’ll insist that it looks so fabulous on me that I should have one too and she’ll have one specially made for me and then she’ll ask Robbie Williams to present it to me.  And then Robbie and Victoria will pour millions of dollars into figuring out a way to cure Junior Mock’s back with no more pain and the side effect of that cure will be that his brain injuries will disappear.  And then Mr. Mock, Junior Mock, Mini-Mock and I will all live happily ever after, in the new mansion that Robbie and Victoria buy for us.  And Robbie will give us concerts every weekend and Victoria will take me shopping and teach me how to run in stilettos.

It’s good to know Laura Zigman, you guys.

I don’t know if you guys are aware of this, but Laura Zigman, famous author and friend of The Mock Dock, loves Hugh Jackman.  Like, really loves him.  The way that I love Robbie Williams.   And if you go to her site right now, you’ll see that she’s trying to win a contest which would result in Hugh Jackman premiering his movie in her town,  which Laura would then go to, which would mean that she would have officially been to two premieres with Hugh Jackman (the first being when she was barely allowed to go to the premiere of Someone Like You, starring the Faux French Intellectual, and she FREAKING WROTE THAT STORY).  But I digress.  The point is, you can help her out by voting for her zip code.  Just read her post about it and you’ll see what to do. 

I know she’d do the same for me if this were a Robbie Williams contest, because this is just what girlfriends do.  And I am proud to call Laura Zigman a girlfriend.

Anyway, I hope this helps your cause, Laura!  And as an added bonus, I give you this:

And I KNOW you’re not looking at his hands.

Let the record reflect that Ashley continues to be older than me. 

Sunday was The Faux French Intellectual’s birthday, and her husband won an Indycar race that day, while she was (judging from these pictures) apparently busying herself with sucking on a lemondrop.

Another gossip site posted photos of her from the race with a title that read, “Ashley Judd USED to be Hot.”  That made me snicker a little, I’ll be honest.  I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m not above being catty.

So I want to tell you about a conversation I just had with Mr. Mock.  First, the background.  I think I’ve mentioned before that I’m CRAZY about Jodi Picoult’s books.  If you haven’t heard of her, you’ll probably be hearing about her more once Cameron Diaz’s movie “My Sister’s Keeper” comes out – it’s based on one of Jodi’s books. ANYWAY, my love for Jodi in no way diminishes my love for Laura Zigman, who as you know is a mockdocker and fellow Ashley Judd hater.

Jodi just came out with a new book, pictured above.  I’ve been waiting for MONTHS for a new book of hers to come out, because there hasn’t been a single thing she’s written that I haven’t absolutely GOBBLED UP.  Since I’ve read everything she’s ever written ever, she simply cannot write new books quickly enough.  And true to form, the moment I finished the first page of the new book, I was completely hooked.  And that’s the thing about Jodi’s books – I become so completely wrapped up in them that I tear through them in a matter of hours, and then I’m left feeling completely empty and yearning for more and then I have to wait for months for the next one to come out.  It’s like an addict waiting for the next high.

So I just finished the first few chapters of the latest book, and then I forced myself to put it down, and the following conversation with Mr. Mock ensued:

Me:  OMG – I love Jodi’s books SO MUCH.

Mr. Mock:  So you’ve said.

Me:  This new one is already so good – I don’t want to stop reading it.

Mr. Mock:  Then keep reading it.

Me:  But the more I read it, the quicker it’ll be over.

Mr. Mock:  Then stop reading it.

Me:  I don’t want to stop reading it.  It’s just that when a book is this good, I tend to read it really fast and then it ends before I want it to.

Mr. Mock:  Then don’t read it so fast.

See?  He’s got an answer for everything.

I am not sure if you all have been made sufficiently aware of the fact that Laura Zigman is a mockdocker. Even if you have, you may be unaware of Laura’s total crush on Hugh Jackman (who by the way starred in the MOVIE VERSION OF HER BOOK Animal Husbandry alongside a beast who will, at least for purposes of this post, remain unnamed.)

Laura – this will hurt you to watch, because a) it’ll be probably the one time in your life you’ll have ever wanted to BE Barbara Walters, and b) it’s freaking BARBARA WALTERS and that’s just wrong.

For the rest of you, all I can say is I’m sorry. But it was one of those things I couldn’t not share.

Hey – remember how I told you about how critically acclaimed author and fabulous person Laura Zigman likes The Mock Dock?  And then remember how I kept telling you that over and over and over and over again until you probably all were like, “OK, Mock.  We get it.  You’re as bad of a namedropper as Ashley Judd anymore.  Enough already?”   WELL GUESS WHAT!

I just discovered that Laura Zigman, author of four novels, has added The Mock Dock to her blogroll.  If you go to her site, and scroll aaaaall the way down to the Stuff She Likes, The Mock Dock is listed there SECOND.  There is only ONE SITE above mine. 

If I were a peacock right now, ALL of my feathers would be out, and I would be strutting around like I was the most important peacock on the planet.  But I’m not a peacock, so what I’m doing is just sitting here in my family room giggling with glee. 

P.S.  She’s got a great video clip up right now of Hugh Jackman rehearsing for the Oscars, which he’s hosting tomorrow night.  I think it’s safe to say that Laura Zigman loves Hugh Jackman as much as I love Robbie Williams.  Which is a LOT.  And Hugh Jackman is awfully dreamy.  I think Australian accents are my favorite.

So Mr. Mock and I just returned home from our standard Friday night date.  There was no way I was going to make it through a movie tonight, because I have caught the funk that Mini-Mock and Junior-Mock had last week, and after two glasses of wine at dinner you guys are lucky I’m even coherent enough to type this post.  (Or unlucky, as the case may be.)  Anyway, after dinner we stopped at Barnes and Noble, and as I browsed through the aisles, I thought to myself, “Self – you know what you should do?  You should go to the Z aisle, hover by the Laura Zigman books, and then loudly and proudly proclaim to anyone who passes that you have a blog which is read and liked by Laura Zigman, author of four novels.”

So off I went towards the Z’s.  And you know what I found?  NOT A SINGLE LAURA ZIGMAN NOVEL.  I immediately took this up with the information desk.  The conversation went something like this:

Me:  Greetings and Salutations, information desk person.

IDP:  How can I help you?

Me:  Where are the rest of the works of fiction whose authors’ names start with Z?

IDP:  (looking confused)  All of the Z’s are right over there (pointing to the aisle where I just made my unfortunate discovery).

Me:  Are you aware that you have NO Laura Zigman novels there?

IDP:  Let me check my system (self-importantly types and manuevers mouse).  Hmm.  Yes – we appear to currently not be carrying any of her titles.  We’d be happy to order something for you.

Me:  That won’t be necessary; however, it would behoove you to carry her books, since there are four of them, and she’s one of the most important literary figures of our time.

IDP: (Looking annoyed) Yeah.

You’ll notice I refrained from plugging The Mock Dock.  But it was ALL I COULD DO not to mention it.

So Mr. Mock, being awesome, says, “Why don’t we head over to Borders?”  So off we went, and you guys – the exact same thing happened at Borders.

Laura – if you are reading this, you need to have your manager or publicist or whatever it is that famous authors of four novels have to take care of injustices such as these –  IMMEDIATELY lodge a complaint with both bookstores.  To save your people the trouble of having to craft the letters, I’ve taken the liberty of drafting one for them here:

Dear Barnes and Noble/Borders:

It is with deep disappointment and sadness that I must report to you that the ever alert and astute Mockarena, of www.themockdock.com, made a discovery recently that is soon to send shockwaves through the mockdocking community.  Laura Zigman’s titles are missing from your shelves.

I would hope that it goes without saying that this is a situation which must be dealt with swiftly and expeditiously.  A letter from our counsel will shortly follow. 

Regards,

Manager/Publicist Person

p.s.  You should really check out www.themockdock.com