Recent pictures of Paris Hilton suggest that she has either been involved in some sort of altercation with a large-clawed animal, or she’s taken a new approach to staying cool in the LA sun by cutting out large chunks of her clothing.
Either way, these pants are ridiculous.
Checking to see if she needs a refill on her Valtrex is Paris Hilton, in one of my favorite photos of her of all time. Do you know what I just read? She was paid $135,000 to show up at some club for an hour and a half. That means she made $25 PER SECOND that she was there.
I pledge right now to throw my support behind any presidential candidate who promises to make her disappear.
So Paris Hilton was apparently on some radio show, on which she proclaimed that she ”would not want [Kim’s butt] - it’s gross! It reminds me of cottage cheese inside a big trash bag.”
This is what she said about someone who is supposedly her lifelong childhood friend. And in a remarkable coincidence, it’s also what I have always thought Paris’ brains probably look like.
Anyway, Paris then called Kim to apologize. And Kim, having a huge ass heart, forgave her. Which is unfortunate, because there aren’t nearly enough Hollywood feuds these days.
Paris Hilton finally made her way to South Africa, as she promised she would like 2 years ago. You know, to help the orphans and starving kids and “make a difference” there. So she decided that the best way to accomplish that would be to pass out autographed photos of her in a bikini.
I’m serious. How self-absorbed of a person are you if you think South African orphans would be happier to get a photograph of you in a bikini than they would to get, say, an apple?
HATE.
I know I haven’t put up the totally NSFW pictures of Kristin Davis that have been leaked all over the place over the last two days. And it’s because I can’t help but like her a little, and I feel really bad for her, and the pictures are completely unflattering and if it was me in them I would be utterly mortified and I just can’t bring myself to mock them AT ALL.
However, the picture above is the douchebag that she dumped sixteen years ago, and now that the SATC movie is about to come out, he decided to pick now as the time he’d feel all pissed off at her for dumping him and sell the private photos of her he took.
His name is Eric Stapleman and he owns some restaurant in New Mexico. And he’s obviously a jerk.
Let this be a lesson to all women everywhere. DO NOT let your boyfriend/husband take naughty pictures of you unless you have sole access to them afterwords. This kind of crap always happens.
Now, if this happened to someone like Paris or Lindsay, then I would definitely mock it. Oh wait! It DID happen to them. HA HA!
Jenna recently said, “Bettie Page was the ultimate sex icon. Then next came Marilyn Monroe, then Pamela Anderson, then me. Now I’m on the lookout for the next woman to pass my title onto. Charlize would be perfect.”
You know what’s weird about this? Paris Hilton has also been quoted as saying she’s the current version of Marilyn Monroe. And yet NO ONE ELSE has ever said either of these two are icons of anything.
If there was an icon for being a used up hag or a drain on society, then Jenna and Paris would be SET.
So I know that Gwen Stefani has her own clothing line, and that she is supposedly recognized as like, a fashion icon.
If that’s the case, what the hell is going on here? Am I to understand that the above choices in maternity wear are the wave of the fashion future? I would no sooner wear any of those clothes than I would wear Paris Hilton’s new bowel movement ring.
Apparently, Paris Hilton is dating Benji Madden, who I think could be related to Nicole Richie’s baby daddy, which could potentially make them some sort of sisters-in-law, but I’m actually not really positive about any of that except that Paris is dating Benji Madden. Whose initials are, as you can clearly see, B.M.
And now she’s being pictured wearing a ghastly over the top ridiculous diamond ring with those initials.
I love my husband so much I don’t even know how to put it into words, but if his initials were readily recognized as the abbreviation for the expulsion of fecal matter, I would not wear his monogram, no matter how many diamonds were involved.
No one this stupid should be allowed to have dogs.
Not content to have our souls die a slow death from The Simple Life, Paris is apparently starting a new reality show. One in which she is on the lookout for a new best friend. Which means that it’ll probably work like your typical vote-off show, which means that any loser can apply. Her reason for doing the show? Because she hopes to find “someone new and cool who she can trust”.
I think that we, all 19 of us mockdockers, should apply to be on this show. It can be the next mockdock experiment. I haven’t met you all in person, but I can, with nearly 100% certainty, guarantee that we are cool and trustworthy enough to be her new best friend. Don’t you think?
I’ll alert you as soon as instructions on how to apply are published.
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