The Mock Dock

All that plastic surgery she had several months ago? It’s DESTROYED any hope she has for ever looking like a normal human being. BEHOLD:

And if you’re still not convinced, check out the close-up.

And on top of that, that dress is heinous.  Ick.

We should cleanse our eyeballs with something cute, right?  So here.

If she kissed you, you would end up with a lipstick mark from your forehead to your chin.  And that’s only if her cheekular areas didn’t bruise you first.

Worst. Cheek Implants. EVER.

And you know what’s ridiculous?  She doesn’t think that’s enough lipstick.

See these two relatively good looking men?  That’s Igor and Grichka Bogdanof, who apparently used to be French TV stars back when they looked like this.

But then they went all Catwoman on our assular areas, and got tons of Botox and fillers and implants, and now they look like this:

LOOK at the chinular areas on these two clowns:

Those are no longer chins.  Those are weapons.

EEEW.

Seriously – is Heidi Montag the stupidest female in this country right now? Can we investigate this?

According to this, now that her plastic surgeon is dead (for real! he died last week!) Heidi has decided to talk about how much she regrets making herself look like an alien.  AND, she even wants to downgrade from her G sized boobies to double D’s, because she’s “desperate to go back to normal.”  Isn’t that cute how she thinks she used to be normal?

It’s been nine months since she had all of her crazy work done, but she’s still in all sorts of pain – the kind of pain even painkillers can’t fix.  She is “unable to hug her four dogs or wear anything but custom-made clothing.”  And worse still, she can’t work out with those giant bazongas.  “It’s heartbreaking. I can’t live an everyday life.”

It IS heartbreaking, isn’t it?  I mean, isn’t your heart just BREAKING??

Heidi’s on the hunt for a South American surgeon now, because she feels “trapped in her own body” now that her original surgeon is all deceased and whatnot. “There’s just no fixing it,” she says. “Dr. Ryan knows the work he did, he knows everything.”

I feel bad laying this on you this evening, because I know how much sleep you’re going to lose worrying about Heidi Montag and trying to mend your breaking hearts.

Stay strong, mockdockers.  Stay strong.

I mean, her body has been RAVAGED, you guys.  It’s like a bad science experiment.  Her boobs are lopsided and the rest of her is just a bony, blotchy mess.

I almost feel bad enough for her to MAIL her some twinkies.  Like – I’m thinking we should start some sort of Twinkies For Tara fund (assuming that doesn’t provoke another costly round of plastic surgery).  Who’s with me?

What specifically about a cat in a bow tie and a glass of champagne do you think Dr. Moore believed would entice plastic surgery patients to his practice?

BEHOLD after the jump: Heidi Montag having dinner with her family, and justifying her 10 plastic surgeries in one day by saying it’s all because of where she lives.

HATE.

Continue reading ‘She Can’t Even Chew A Burger, You Guys’

How do you completely transform your body and face such that you end up looking like the alien-version of yourself, and then say, “Beauty comes from within.” HOW???

She is soooo ridiculous.

HATE.

We’ve been spared from having to see nauseating photos of Heidi Montag for several weeks because apparently, she’s addicted to making herself look as little like Heidi Montag as she possibly can.

Thoughts?

Or do you guys see the resemblance too?

Seriously.  Enough with the plastic surgery, LaToya.