The Mock Dock

I don’t know if you guys watched the Family Guy special last night, but Mr. Mock and I did and basically it was a huge disappointment EXCEPT for this one shining moment, which an alert and astute mockdocker sent me via youtube today. I love this.

You know what would have made the show completely perfect? If they just would have had Seth MacFarlane sing for 1/2 an hour. THAT would have been awesome.

If my sister is looking at this picture, I promise you it is taking every ounce of her self-control not to hurl her laptop across the room right now.  Such is the hatred she has for Renee McLemonsucker.   And here, not only do we have the standard Renee squinty-eyed lemon-lips pose, but we also have her pointy shoulders.

Those gross me out.

I do not understand men (that means YOU, Bradley Cooper) who are attracted to women that look like sinewy stringbeans.  I mean, seriously, does Renee look fun to hug?  No.  It’d be like hugging a few branches of a weeping willow tree.

This is apparently Bradley Cooper and Renee McLemonSucker pulling in to check into a Beverly Hills hotel together.

This is what I’m guessing they’re thinking:

Renee:  OMG I have no idea how I ever thought Bradley Cooper would stay interested in me, what with my impossibly perpetually puckered sour facial expression and all. 

Bradley:  I should have picked Aniston.

…for Bradley Cooper is no longer available. But that’s not even the worst news. The worst news is that he’s dating Squinty McLemonsucker. VOLUNTARILY.

Behold.

An alert and astute mockdocker sent me a link to Renee Zellweger’s appearance on David Letterman recently, and pointed out, ever so alertly and astutely, that the way she was sitting looked really weird.  You can behold for yourself below.

You know what I noticed?  That she has a drawl, that she can’t seem to keep her hands to herself, and that she’s an obnoxious flirt.  And that I deeply dislike her.

Yeah.  Have celebrities not learned about sheer fabric and camera flash yet?  Isn’t there a class or something that they go through about what reflects poorly on the red carpet?

I hate her lemon face – so this makes me giggle.

I love award shows, but the Golden Globes are by far my favorite.  And as you might expect, I have many many opinions on everything related to the Globes of tonight.

After the jump, behold my observations, in no particular order. Continue reading ‘Golden Globes’

Renee Zellweger’s eyes aren’t slits!  Granted, it looks like she’s had a lifetime’s worth of botox injected into her entire face-ular area, but still.  Her eyes are kind of open, and this is a step in the right direction for her.  I’m going to hold out hope that maybe, just maybe, at the next event at which she’s photographed, she’ll look like she’s just sucked on a lemon flavored jolly rancher, and not an actual lemon.

Is there anything we can do about this?  Some sort of smiling moratorium perhaps?  This face has to be stopped.

There is no question that Renee Zellweger always looks like she’s eaten a lemon.  We’ve discussed this here and here and here before.   But you know what I realized when I saw this picture? It’s not so much that she looks like a lemon sucker (which she obviously does), it’s that her face seems like it doesn’t have enough elasticity to support the expressions she wants to make.

Case in point:  this photo, in which she is probably laughing hysterically, but barely able to squeak out a tiny smile.  Maybe this is really what’s going on here.  Maybe she has some sort of human elasticity disorder.

I could really be on to something here, you guys.  Maybe this post will catch the attention of Important Medical People who will study her and end up naming this elasticity disorder after her, and it’ll be called something like Zellwegorian Elasticity Reduction Syndrome* or something really important sounding like that, and the asterisk will forever more be footnoted at the bottom of really important scientific/medical documents as saying “Discovered by Mockarena” and then I will be paid millions of dollars for my important medical discovery.

I don’t think you all realize how famous I could potentially become.  You should really start appreciating me more.