The Mock Dock

1. Rihanna is woefully incapable of doing the moonwalk.

2. Rihanna is woefully incapable of dressing herself.

I have no words.

A billion years after the fact, Chris Brown is now apologizing to the public for beating the crap out of his girfriend.

Yawn.

Sorry there was no lunchtime posting today, folks.  But this was a crap day.  You ever have those days at work when it seems like people around you are suffering from some sort of infectious meanness disease?  Welcome to my day.  People were just JERKS today.  I mean, there were some exceptions (Bunny, Daisy, and a few others), but there was lots of general jerkiness going on.

And to top it off, there are rumors floating that not only are Chris Brown and Rihanna back together, but that they might have secretly gotten married.  Gawd.

You know what we all need?  We need a cute baby animal picture.

Because who WOULDN’T want to be with someone that beats the crap out of them? 

Sigh.  Why do women do this?

And, according to People Magazine, they’re hanging out in ONE OF Sean Puffy Diddly Do Wop Combs’  houses.  You know, because where ELSE would you go if you’re reconciling with a guy who beats the crap out of you?

It makes perfect sense.

Chris Brown released an official statement about beating the crap out of Rihanna, and it is as follows:

“Words cannot begin to express how sorry and saddened I am over what transpired. I am seeking the counseling of my pastor, my mother and other loved ones and I am committed, with God’s help, to emerging a better person. Much of what has been speculated or reported on blogs and/or reported in the media is wrong. While I would like to be able to talk about this more, until the legal issues are resolved, this is all I can say except that I have not written any messages or made any posts to Facebook, on blogs, or any place else.  Those posts or writings under my name are frauds.”

I love how his PR person he said how saddened he was over “what transpired.”  Not what he DID, mind you, but what transpired.  PR people are so slick.

Still, it’s something.

And this pretty much sums it up.

Chris Brown beating on Rihanna? “It’s just life, man. She knows he loves her.”

Gawd.

Apologies up front to those mockdockers who get all bent out of shape about the fact that I think these kinds of nicknames are moronic, but T.I. has just informed the media that his fellow hip-hop entertainer and good buddy Chris Brown, is “cool.”  Yes.  I said, “T.I.” and yes, he described Chris Brown as being “cool.”

Seriously.  T.I.?  You’ll be very proud to note that I wikipedia’d him, and discovered all the reasons that he goes by T.I. and once I got past the stories about his drug use, it turns out that the reasons are every bit as stupid as the nickname itself.  Although, considering his actual name is Clifford, you can hardly blame him for wanting to change it.

ANYWAY.

T.I. sat down with elite and prestigious journalist Carson Daly to talk about Chris Brown’s arrest.  He said, “Yeah, I spoke to him today.  He’s cool, you know.  I guess he a little concerned about the situation but he’s still the same Chris.”  T.I also told Carson Daly that he offered Chris Brown some words of wisdom about the situation.  He said, “I told him this too shall pass.”  

Lastly, he told Carson:  “Hey man, you people gotta remember, we celebrities and we entertainers, but we still human.  All of us.”  

First of all, I would like to know what T.I. has against verbs.  Secondly, if you are a guy, and you hit a woman, you kind of lose the right to be called a human.  So I’m going to disagree with T.I. on that front.  It is almost hilarious to me that he says Chris Brown is “a little concerned about the situation” as if Chris Brown did something as inane as forgetting to pay his electric bill on time or something.  He beat the crap out of a woman.   Today’s news accounts say that her face was a swollen, bruised, bloody mess, and that he bit her arms and fingers.  And now he’s “a little concerned.”

Awww.  That’s sweet of him to be concerned.  I hope his fellow prisoners give him some nice, big shoulders to cry on.

Jerk.

Allegedly, I should say (snort). And it appears the hit-ee in question is his girlfriend, Rhianna (Prince’s fraternal twin). Anyway, Wrigley is all mad at him for being a girlfriend beater, so they’re discontinuing his gum ads. So in case you really felt like seeing his gum ad, it’s above. You can watch it twice if you want, to double your pleasure. (See what I did there?)

I do not like it.

You know what this looks like?  This looks like Rihanna realized, like 10 minutes before the AMA’s, that she was supposed to be at the AMA’s, and that she had nothing to wear, and the only thing open was a fabric store, and so she ran in and just grabbed a few yards of fabric off of the scraps floor, and safety pinned it in a few places. 

I do not like it.