The Mock Dock

So this is what Rihanna wore during her performance on the VMA’s last night. And you know what her “dress” immediately makes me think of? That deliciously awful Pat Benatar video – Love Is A Battlefield. Remember? It is SO AWESOME. The premise can be summarized as follows:

Teenager full of angst runs away from home. Begins work in a club, where the dress code is apparently just ripped up rags, as a girl who guys pay to dance with. In a moment of defiance, proceeds to dance, with several other girls, AT the manager/pimp. And by “at” I mean that they shimmy towards him with such godawful choreography that he is utterly terrified by them. And then they all dance their way onto the street in a glorious show of independence. Best. Video. Ever.

Anyway, Rihanna’s dress looks like it came right out of that video. See for yourself, and enjoy the flashback to the 80′s.

I know.  Like you, I’ve been virtually unable to contain my excitement about this great moment in music history.  Take a listen to the song that will no doubt be a LIFE CHANGING EXPERIENCE for you.

KIDDING.  It sucks.  Every bit as much as you might imagine, only more so.

You guys – Ali compares herself to Rihanna, which is hilarious.  And by “hilarious” I of course mean “highly offensive to Rihanna.”

I think if Ali Lohan and Heidi Montag were to sing a duet, the earth might actually cease to rotate on its axis.  It would be SO BAD that time would be forced to stand still.  Time would be all, “Wait.  What?  I can’t possibly be expected to go on after hearing that” and everything would just stop.

Anyway, listen at your own peril.

These are the shoes that Rihanna chose to wear on some talk show the other day.

What exactly is the application process of shoes like this?  Is it a buckle by buckle deal or do you just sliiiiide your feet into them already buckled?  Regardless, there is a reason I choose Merrell slip-on shoes whenever possible, and that is because it takes approximately .0000078 of a second to put them on.

p.s.  Dear Merrell – I am available to promote your shoes.  I will happily do commercials for you and I don’t sound anything like Mindy Winkler.  Please pay me lots of money.  Thank you.

You know what I’ve noticed about Rihanna?  The fact that when she appears at events – red carpets, interviews, etc., she genuinely looks quite pretty and is usually wearing a nice dress.  But the second she gets on stage, it’s like she transforms into some sort of dominatrix or something.

This outfit worn by Rihanna has rendered me speechless.  Which if you know me at all, is hard to do.