The Mock Dock

OMG you guys – I can’t wait for video of Ashley’s appearance on Larry King tonight to get youtubed by someone.  

First of all, she brought her dog with her.  You know – for an added “Look how much I love animals!”  boost.  Well played, especially because the dog conveniently hid her midsection.  You guys – I really think she might be pregnant.  Her boobs are waaaay bigger than they used to be.  And her face is so puffy she can hardly open her eyes all the way.

The first thing she said to Larry was, “Howdy Do.”  Yes.  I’m serious.  Howdy Do.

She appeared with the director dude of the Wildlife Defense Fund (the group for which she did the video.)  She also appeared to have fat arms, which I enjoyed.  Larry played some audio from The View, in which Elizabeth Hasselbeck brought up the hypocrisy of Ashley defending wildlife and not giving two craps about aborted kids, and she somehow answered that question by bringing up Rwanda.  It was the most bizarre and irrelevant answer ever, and she completely avoided addressing the question.  Oh, and she threw in a Ghandi quote for good measure.

She talked aaaallll about how often she donated money to the Wildlife Defense Fund, for her husband’s birthday, and for Valentine’s Day, and essentially every other holiday which would normally call for a gift, and then she expanded her donations to screw ALL the men in her family out of a gift by just sending the Wildlife Defense Fund the money instead.  She looooooved talking about her donations ad nauseum, and claimed to do it anonymously but then somehow still got a thank you note from the director (?), after which she said they became “best buds.”

When they brought (by phone) the Alaska Outdoor Council director on the show, Ashley was conveniently excused so that she wouldn’t have to answer facts directly. 

All in all, I think people who are in awe of question-avoiding, fast-talking, verbose, obnoxious flabby-armed women will come away feeling like Ashley is fabulous.  The rest of can see right through her nonsense.

HATE.

So I’ve been resisting posting about this, but after receiving 7 emails from alert and astute mockdockers INSISTING that I not ignore this story, I’m going to talk about it. 

Ok.  So Ashley recently made a commercial for the Defenders of Wildlife Action Fund, in which she rips on Sarah Palin for promoting the aerial killing of wolves.  I’m not posting the video here for three reasons:  first, because even though she looks puffy in it, she looks reasonable enough that I can’t mock her appearance, and secondly, because watching wolves be shot makes me sad, and thirdly, because I don’t want to directly cause more hits for it.  You guys are all resourceful enough to find the video.  It’s pretty much EVERYWHERE.

But here’s my issue with this whole ad.  NOWHERE in the ad does Ashley bother to say WHY the wolves are being killed.  The overpopulation of wolves in Alaska is threatening caribou and moose, which are not only depended on by many Native Alaskans for food, but are also the very creatures that overzealous environmentalists holler about saving whenever someone mentions the possibility of drilling there.   Sooo…do they want the caribou and moose to survive or don’t they?

In the video, footage is shown of a wolf being shot from a plane, with Ashley saying somberly, “Using a low-flying plane, they kill in winter when there is no chance for the wolves to escape.”

Let me try to explain this to you reeeeeeeeally slooooowly, Ashley.  When population control people are shooting at wolves out of a plane, they don’t WANT them to have a “chance to escape.”  See how that would be kind of counterproductive to the whole killing process?

Now, before all you animal lovers get all mad at me, let me just say how much I love and adore wildlife (except for snakes).  But I also love and adore cows, and I still accept that they are slaughtered in order to feed us.  I hate that wolves have to be killed, but if they are killing off a food supply for HUMANS, then that kind of takes priority.  Could I ever shoot a wolf from a plane?  Hell no.  I couldn’t slaughter a cow either.  But I get why both of those things have to happen.  The one thing I would take issue with is that there should be measures taken to ensure that the wolves are actually KILLED, and not left to suffer with  gunshot wounds which didn’t finish the job. 

But here’s the most hypocritical thing about the video to me.  While Ashley sheds plenty of tears over wolves that tear apart caribou and deer and moose on a daily basis, she doesn’t blink an eye over legislation which allows late-term abortions.  You know what’s more brutal than shooting a wolf?  Ripping a fully-formed fetus out of a uterus.  I don’t even wanna TALK about how they do that.

I’m really not trying to be all political about this.  I just don’t see how the bleeding of her heart can be so discriminating. 

Palin responded back to Ashley’s tirade in a statement today – the full text of which is after the jump. Continue reading ‘Ashley Judd Loves Wolves. Human Babies? Not So Much.’

But I cannot stop laughing at this. Best. Video. EVER.

I’m annoyed that Bristol Palin and her boyfriend are getting THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS from People magazine for the first pictures of their kid, Tripp. 

You guys know I’m a Palin fan, but this is just NOT COOL.  Why should Bristol be rewarded for being a horny and irresponsible teenaged unwed mom?  Do I think it’s great that she kept the baby and that her family is supporting her? Sure.  Do I think the baby is a total blessing and that he’ll have a loving family around him?  Yeah.  But it is NOT great that Bristol’s getting paid a bunch of money for what was, essentially, a really big lapse in judgment on her and her boytoy’s part.

The ONLY thing that will make this ok for me is if Sarah Palin herself reaches out to the media to alert everyone that every last dime of that money is going to some sort of children’s charity.

Hate.

Bristol Palin had herself a baby boy yesterday, and she named him Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston, because she has inherited her mom’s baby naming style.

An alert and astute mockdocker sent me this video, and even though I am thoroughly convinced I have the most perfect and most adorable almost-3 year old on the planet, this little Palinette comes in as a close second. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE.

So, you guys know from previous posts that Ashley Judd has been running around the country forcing her political opinions on every person she encounters, and holding discussion forums on why everyone should vote for Obama, and making commercials about how Sarah Palin is mean to polar bears, etc.  She’s out of control.

So you can imagine my delight to read this evening that Naomi Judd, Ashley’s mother, just introduced Sarah Palin at a Missouri rally.  She claimed she couldn’t stand by and listen to the “unrepentant liberal biased media” anymore, and that even though it means she probably won’t be invited to any more Hollywood parties, she was still throwing her support behind Palin.  I love this.

Don’t get me wrong – I think all three of the Judd women are batcrap crazy.  My point in telling you this isn’t to get political, but to simply tell you to cross your fingers along with me that this will result in a huge public family feud that we can all point our fingers at and mock.  Bring it on, crazy Judd women! I want to see claws out, hair-pulling mother/daughter fighting, and I want to see Wynonna in the background cheering them both on with a giant tub of ice cream on her lap.

LOVE.

Am hoping that the clip of the Poehler Palin rap turns up soon – hilarious! But for now, enjoy the opener.

See that car?  I’m going to be the owner of it (well, one that looks exactly like it, anyway) a week from Thursday.  Seriously – how badass am I going to be in it?  You don’t have to answer, because I already know.  I’m going to be superbadass.  So enjoy these next 9 days, because once I get it, I’m going to become totally impossibly bratty.

This day has been so awesome, mostly due to Mr. Mock, who has once again gone above and beyond the call of husband-duty, to do nice things for me.

So not to get all politicalificated or anything, but yesterday Daisy and I heard on the radio that Sarah Palin is coming to Indy for a rally this Friday, and we decided this was a momentous enough occasion that we would rearrange our work schedules to accommodate it.  But because the Republican party seems hell-bent on losing this election, they made it next to impossible to find out any information about the rally. So after a bunch of phone calls and web searches, we finally discovered the address of a place in town that was passing out tickets on a first come-first served basis.  And Mr. Mock, who was off today and had a full day’s worth of activities all planned out for himself, agreed with no argument whatsoever, that he would put aside his plans to go to the ticket place and fetch tickets for me and for Daisy.

It wasn’t until he reached the place that he discovered he’d have to wait an HOUR AND A HALF to get them.  You know, because of how anxious the Republican party is to prove its efficiency to its constituents.  And in awesome husband form, he waited, even got heckled by Obama-supporting passers-by, and texted me several times to alert me about how long the line was getting.  He is SUCH a trooper.  And for his efforts, he received two tickets for me and Daisy, along with her gratitude and my promises of favors of a sexual nature.

And if that wasn’t enough, Mr. Mock then went to the dealership to put down the deposit on my new car.  And if THAT wasn’t enough, he then went home to prepare my most favorite steak and potatoes dinner that he makes so well, because he’s heading out of town tomorrow and just wanted to do something nice before he left.

Seriously.  How lucky am I?  I want to make MYSELF puke, I’m so lucky.