The Mock Dock

No.  It’s not Ryan Seacrest.  It’s the ShamWow guy!!!

According to The Smoking Gun, Vince Shlomi (which, let’s face it, with a name like that he was BOUND to get arrested at some point) landed himself in the shlammer last month with a battery charge after getting into a shpat with a shprostitute.  Shlomi met this shlady at a club and took her back to his shloom to show her his shlong.  But things didn’t quite go as planned, because after shelling out $1000 to her,  Shlomi said that when he kissed his new companion, she suddenly “bit his tongue and would not let go.”  So he did what anyone else would do in that situation, which is punch her repeatedly until she finally released his tongular area from her toothular area.  

Interestingly, he not only sells Shamwows, but also SlapChops.  I did not know this, but it’s fitting.

I am so totally psyched about getting these.  Thanks to those of you who reminded me about them in the Barack Obama post comments.  The order confirmation screen said it’s going to take 3-4 weeks for them to arrive, and for this snail pace I had to pay almost eight dollars, which is lame, but I’m still super excited.  I am so going to accidentally on purpose spill a whole bunch of stuff the day they come so I can try them out.

As always, a full report on this fabulous product’s efficacy shall be forthcoming.