The Mock Dock

She’s  joking, right?  JORTS WITH BLACK HOSE?

And could her face be more sunken-in?  What in the holy hell?  Even Suri looks mildly embarrassed to be seen with her.

I hope that this was taken on April Fools’ Day.

I know you guys aren’t used to me being snarky about celebrities, and that it’s TOTALLY out of character for me, but I need to be able to speak freely for a moment about Katie Holmes’ body.

It’s weird.

I know she can’t help it, but you guys, she has the longest torso EVER.  Like – unusually, bizarrely long.  And it makes her legs look like tree stumps. And you know what exacerbates that?  THOSE HORRIBLE SHOES.

Even her daughter Suri knows that a slight heel elongates the legs, and Suri is three years old.  Could they not share a stylist?

Now, lest you think I’m just horribly mean to celebrities without ever giving them a break, I want to show you someone that looks absolutely perfect:

Carrie Underwood is FLAWLESS.  See?  I’m not always mean.

Kirstie Alley, I’ve decided, probably doesn’t like anyone.  Have you ever seen anyone look like they hate life more than Kirstie Alley?  And it’s not just the flipping of the bird.  It’s that scowl.  It’s the hair.  Her HAIR looks mad.

For contrast, behold:

See, it’s possible to actually look sort of cute when you flip someone the bird.

…to Katie Holmes’ face.   And whatever it is, Suri is PISSED about it.

Generally the only time a diaper looks like that is when a kid has just stepped out of a pool.  So either Suri Cruise has taken the most enormous dump of all time, or she’s actually a really well-endowed little boy, or that diaper is falling off.

Either way, the slide can probably wait.

I’m just saying.

When famous parents take their kids to paparazzi-filled places.  I mean, this is the first pic of Suri I’ve seen where I feel really bad for her for having such a stupid mom.  If I were a famous scientology alien mom like Katie, and I cared for my daughter the tiniest bit, I would move to like, some small town in North Dakota or something, so my kid had at least a sliver of hope of having a normal childhood.  Paparazzi are not known for chasing people in North Dakota.  I don’t even think they’d follow Britney there.

Katie Holmes.  The fact that Suri is walking around in public, at WELL OVER TWO YEARS OF AGE, holding a bottle and a blanky is ridiculous.  Not to mention that her dress looks like a hospital gown.  YES.  I just mocked a two year old’s dress.

Anyway, Katie got her haircut a little more like Tom Cruise shorter.  Which I would be less inclined to mock if she weren’t infuriatingly dead set on bringing pegged jeans back into fashion.

How old is she now – like 43?  Remember when she used to be kind of adorable?  She’s all mommified now.  Not that there is anything wrong with being a mom, but there is NO REASON to look mommified.

I do not appreciate Tom Cruise’s cowboy hat.

I’m not totally opposed to parents dressing their kids in clothes that match them on occasion.  Like, for instance, when my husband and our toddler dress up in the same Lands End red plaid flannel shirt in the winter – ADORABLE.  So adorable it makes my heart hurt. But when Katie Holmes wears sheer leggings and red shoes and what appears to be a tattered nascar checkered flag and puts her daughter WHO IS WAY TOO OLD FOR A BOTTLE in a matching jailhouse shirt and refuses to cut her bangs?

HATE.

Suri Cruise is TWO YEARS OLD.  Why the heck is she still getting a bottle? Is this a Scientology thing?  Is the fact that her mother is slowly morphing into Mary Tyler Moore a Scientology thing?

So many questions.