The Mock Dock

Coupla things going on here that need to stop.

First, at no time should one’s belly button protrude more than one’s nipular area.  That is just not ok.

Second, at no time should a woman’s crotchular area protrude more than her nipular area.  Katie may want to consider NOT wearing Tom Cruise’s jeans, in order to prevent this type of crotchular bunching.  It looks like there could seriously be a penis in there.

Seriously – have you ever seen a couple look more annoyed and more LIKE EACH OTHER than Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? 

I kind of get the sense from this photo that maybe Katie has just sort of accepted her fate of looking like Tom.  Like she’s resigned herself to her scientological existence.  This is as dead in the eyes as you can look, I think.

How old is she now – like 43?  Remember when she used to be kind of adorable?  She’s all mommified now.  Not that there is anything wrong with being a mom, but there is NO REASON to look mommified.

I do not appreciate Tom Cruise’s cowboy hat.

If you are ADDING ON to one of many palacial mansions that you own because you need a separate room specifically for swordfighting, you are stupid-rich.

Crazy Tom Cruise reportedly has built such a room and gets together with his buddies Will Smith and David Beckham for fancy fencing parties.   

I am not making this up.

You know, I would be happy to have new countertops in my kitchen. That’s all I ask.  Meanwhile, Crazy Tom Cruise is building rooms in which he can pretend to be Zorro.

Life is so not fair.

I’m not exactly sure what differentiates your average everyday party from a GALA, but this is Katie Holmes and her midget husband Tom Cruise at a gala of some sort.

I think I’ve wrapped gifts in the same material Katie is wearing as a dress.  That cannot be considered an actual fabric.  And what sort of statement is she trying to make with those shoes?  Is it simply a ploy to draw attention to the only part of her body that’s at an equal playing level as her husband’s?

So Tom Cruise was interviewed by Oprah at his Telluride home.  And my observations from the show are as follows:

1.  Tom Cruise has a really good decorator, and his house is impossibly gorgeous. 
2.  Katie Holmes likes to bake fattening sweets which are apparently eaten by no one.
3.  Tom feels kinda bad about his interview with Matt Lauer, but not bad enough to actually apologize for how much of a jerk he was
4.  Tom has clearly been asked to tone down the scientology schtik, but his mouth gets all quivery and he looks like he’s about to jump out of his skin whenever the cult religion is mentioned
5.  Tom and Katie have their own mountain lookout, which Tom took Oprah to on one his tricked out snowmobiles, and the view is so beautiful that it made Oprah cry and wish peace unto him in some sapped out way that made the entire viewing audience collectively want to punch both of them squarely in the face

In conclusion, I’m still fairly certain he’s insane. 

Suri Cruise just turned 2.  And her Xenu-following freakparents spent ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS on her birthday party.  This apparently included 17k worth of flowers, 45k in catering, and a five thousand dollar CAKE, among other things.

I’m sure while Tom and Katie were busying themselves with the Beckhams and Will Smith and Eva Longoria and all their other fancy friends, Suri was happily nibbling on a piece of grass and playing inside the box her cake came in.  BECAUSE TWO YEAR OLDS DON’T CARE ABOUT THAT EXPENSIVE CRAP.

Yes.  I’m bitter.  They dropped more on a stupid CAKE than I can manage to put in a 529 plan for my kid’s college fund for crying out loud.  Jerks. 

For the record, that’s not me in the picture.  Because if it was me, my entire nose would have filled your screen and in fact protruded OUT of your screen right into your face, because that is how enormously full of stuffiness it is.

And you know what really sucks?  I was sick on Thursday, and then had this fabulous day today of feeling totally better, and thought – YAY!  This cold only lasted a day!  And then all of a sudden this evening, the cold has come back with like an army of sub-colds which have infiltrated my entire breathing system. 

My whole point in telling you this is that I might be slacky this weekend when it comes to posting.  And I’m trusting all 27 of you to just hang in there and keep checking back for updates.

You know who could fix this? Tom Cruise.  Because he’s the only one who can help.

Katie Holmes is rocking a new hairstyle. Obviously this she found the style in the “Scientology-accepted Cult Hair Styles 2008″.

Hey – remember when Kelly McGillis was in Top Gun with the now-insane Tom Cruise, and remember how they were both kind of hot, and they had that genuinely hot sex scene?

How’d you like to see them in a sex scene now?