The Mock Dock

There can’t be any Actual Muscle left in her body, so you have to admit, that’s quite a feat.  That chick is nothing but skin and bone.

Oh wait.

Make that skin, bone and silicone.

Have I mentioned to you all how much Tori Spelling’s boobs freak me out? 

So, this Saturday night, Mr. Mock and I are going out to celebrate my birthday (even though my Actual Birthday isn’t for a couple weeks yet).  Mr. Mock, without fail, is always gone on my Actual Birthday for work, and this year is no exception.  Even though I am turning 40.  Clearly, his employer doesn’t have a full grasp of how totally crazy I have the potential of becoming on my Actual Birthday, otherwise they might’ve reconsidered his scheduling.  Anyway.

We’re going out for a fancy dinner and then to see the movie Hangover, which Daisy and Mr. Daisy already saw and which I have been DYING to see.  Sunday morning, we’re headed to the Coach outlet store just to browse (insert all sorts of winking here).  But the most important part of the birthday celebrating this weekend will be the part where I get to find out what fantastic spot Mr. Mock has chosen for my birthday vacation in early December.  He has been keeping this secret for months now, and Saturday night I get to find out!!!  I can hardly stand it.

What does this picture of Tori Spelling have to do with my birthday?  Nothing, except that she’s wearing a bathing suit presumably somewhere on vacation, which is what I intend to do in December at a yet-undisclosed location, only my boobs will look normal.

I know it’s mean, but you guys, Tori Spelling is DESPERATELY unattractive.  And I’m not even just talking about her anorexia.  The hair on her enormous head looks like it was styled with saliva.  Or perhaps the same product used in There’s Something About Mary.

Tori Spelling should probably never wear her hair like this again.  She just looks like she’s auditioning for the remake of Victor, Victoria.

Also, when did she lose 80 pounds?  She looks painfully painfully thin.  I think her arms have so little weight to them now that they just probably float up like that all the time, and she has to actually be carrying something in order for them to stay down.

Hate.

It’s pretty sad that the person in this photo who most closely resembles an actual human female is Tori Spelling’s husband.  Even with the beard, he still looks more naturally feminine than either of those other surgical nightmares.

You guys, sometimes I mock even when I don’t MEAN to.  Case in point.  I was on a website and saw this movie poster, but only the top half of it at first until I scrolled down more, and when I saw the top half, I was like, “Holy crap – what did Tori Spelling do to get arrested?!” 

You know what I think we all need on this sunny Sunday?  A reminder of how your breastular area should NOT look:

First it was Tori Spelling and Paula Abdul.  Now it’s Audrina Patridge, who isn’t as much a celebrity as she is a total drain on society, but nevertheless, she’s well-known enough to be mocked.  I am a heterosexual female, but most of you know that I will happily and readily admit when another woman has physical features which are desirable.  For instance, remember when I commented on how awesome of an assular area Kate Hudson has?

But I cannot see ANYTHING attractive about Chipmunk Patridge’s boobular area.  Either these are not attractive boobs, or this is the least flattering bikini top ever.  Your thoughts?

He’s wearing MAROON TOENAIL POLISH.

And he’s married to a man.

Hey – did I tell you guys that 90210 is returning to TV?  And it’s got an all new pseudo-teenaged cast, but it also includes familiar folks like Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling.  Which means that not only is Tori Spelling making a comeback to TV, but so is that completely bizarre cavern between her boobs.

Seriously you guys – what IS that?  You see what I’m talking about, right? That valley at the top of her boobular area?  It’s always completely freaked me out.  It looked even weirder when she wasn’t pregnant and was so thin you could see her chestular bones in addition to the cavern.  Now THAT was weird.

Her.  Tori Spelling.  And I’m not even about to knock her big ole baby belly – I’m talking specifically about her man face.  No amount of make-up or floral dress prints make her look feminine.  In fact, I would even go so far as to say Chris Crocker outdoes her in the looking-like-a-female department.